'Aint Right Again

If my prognostication record were a batting average I’d be in the Hall of Fame. That’s even in this Athletes Juicing and Media Acting Surprised Era. However, I miss a lot. I’d say that, if you take away every 10 point spread offered each week of the NFL season, I’d be .500 or less. That means I miss more than I hit.

Sometimes I get a feeling. As a poker acquaintance of mine says (quite often) if you’ve got a hunch, bet a bunch. Of course he’s really saying if you’ve got a hunch, call a bunch. That’s not the same as a bet. Nevermind.

I am not a gambler. Okay! Stop laughing! I like poker a lot. I also enjoy participating in football “office” pick contests. But I simply do not gamble. My poker I see as an investment. I purchase books related to the topic and I study them. I pay attention at the table to the players around me and I study them. I record situations in my brain and play them back over and over and over again and I study them. The end result of all of this studying is a consistent upward trend in the amount of money I have won over the long haul.

As far as football picks? I haven’t put my money where my mouth is since the Ravens won the Super Bowl. And I don’t play that stupid fantasy football crap (not even for fun). I just can’t handle it emotionally. I mean, what if Tom Brady were the next best QB in the draft and ended up on my team? I can’t then root for him. It won’t happen. I’d rather draft Jim Harbaugh and ask him nicely to come out of retirement.

So sometimes I get a feeling. Part of the reason I don’t gamble is that I won’t hesitate to run with the feeling I have. There’s a lot that goes into a feeling. In poker I could get the feeling that hunch-bunch is chasing a flush draw. There’s a lot of visual evidence and past experience that feeds that feeling. In any given situation my feeling is a probable truth that needs to be considered.

Sometimes feelings are driven by emotions and desires. If I have four hearts in Hold’em with two cards to come, whether I feel it or not one time in five that fifth heart is coming on the next card. Acting on the feeling that the fifth heart is coming by calling a bunch is always a mistake (even when that heart comes!).

I had a feeling the Colts would win the Super Bowl. I also had a feeling the score wouldn’t begin to approach the over/under of 56.5. One feeling had a lot more evidence feeding it. The other had mixed evidence and mixed emotions and desires feeding it. Can you guess which?

Congratulations Saints. I didn’t expect that your superstars would outlast the superstars of the Colts. I am happy for you and your fans (especially the three or four real fans that I know). I’m also happy for your 30,000,000 fans that you started picking up last year. Where were they ten years ago?

Top Ten Tips for Avoiding Seasickness

I work on a boat for a living. This has been the case for nearly seven years of my life. By the time I am retired from the Coast Guard I will have spent a large percentage of my life at sea. In my years on the ocean I’ve had a quite the bout with sea sickness a time or two. I’ve started making a mental list of the techniques I use to combat the worst feeling in the world. There are ten tips I recommend to help you the next time you’re rocking and rolling on the high seas.

Tip #1: Don’t get seasick –
- I know, I know. “Thanks Brandon. That’s bleeping brilliant!” Honestly, my biggest problem with seasickness is avoiding it. I find that when I get seasick I don’t ever feel right again until I am on solid land. That being said I am doing everything imaginable to stay feeling well. I psyche myself out well before the trip, convincing myself that it will take an act of God to get me sick. I also plan out what I will be doing during the rough weather so I don’t ever have to think about how sick I am feeling.

Tip #2: Don’t let the boat tell you how sick you are –
- I have a large mixer in the corner of my galley. Right next to it are 5 cutting boards. When the seas are rough enough these cutting boards flop back and forth between the mixer and the bulkhead. Right underneath it is a large rolling pin on the shelf. Across the way 5 ladles and 8 spoons hang from a bar above the counter. The resulting noise is deafening and coordinated. I know that as soon as I hear the cutting boards and rolling pin I will start getting squeamish. These things remind me of the war that the sea is waging against the floating hunk of steel that is my boat. I do my best to mitigate these things. Visual cues also throw my inner-ear for a loop. On my first boat I looked out of the galley through portals on the Starboard side of the boat. Ocean – sky – ocean – sky – ocean – sky. Yuck.

Tip #3: Attempt to leave nothing to do –
- Mise en Place – Have everything in its place. In the cooking world it means that I do as much prep work as possible ahead of time. The last thing I want to do in rough seas is pipe manicotti shells full of ricotta. Actually, I’ve already done that once. ONCE. If I am feeling well and I run out of things to do, I sit and relax. Others may find it useful to stay busy and keep their mind off of the sea state. If I want to stay busy and I’ve already prepped a meal to the max, I set off prepping the following meal. Or I may decide to do extra cleaning.

Tips #4 and 5: Eat healthy before and during bad weather – Stay hydrated –
- I’m not sure how far I can go into this without being redundant. Eat well so you are full of energy. Being tired doesn’t improve your odds of avoiding seasickness. And staying hydrated is a double bonus – it keeps you feeling well longer AND gives you something to do once you aren’t feeling well. Yuck.

Tip #6: Burping is good –
- The number one sign that I am getting sick is this constant pressure in my upper chest that feels like it’s restricting my esophagus. The number one relief of that feeling is a good belch! So I like to break open a can of soda early on in rough weather. Please note that this technique DOES NOT work for me when I am already queasy.

Tip #7: Wake up with drugs in your system to beat drowsiness –
- I once woke up somewhere near the Cape Cod Canal. We were on our way up from Baltimore and it was about 3am. The seas were awful and it felt like they were driving us around in the trough. I had a couple hours before I was required to be up to cook breakfast, so I jumped up and went to the medicine cabinet. I grabbed some Dramamine and went back to the rack. I woke up nice and refreshed from my power nap with none of the ill side effects of the motion sickness pills. Now if only I could have been ninja enough to avoid the side effects of the pot of boiling water that got underway – that’d be awesome!

Tip #8 - 10: I got lazy, so you get ‘em all at once! –
- The more I can stay horizontal when the seas are rough, the better. Sleep and you may wake up sick, but you won’t actually BE sick while you’re sleeping. Besides, who doesn’t like sleep?
- Stay well below the water line. My galley rolls a lot less than the bridge does. The engineering spaces hardly roll at all compared to the bridge. At times I don’t feel a thing in the galley while the bridge will make me sick.
- Keep cool! Being overheated will lead to puking!! Another great reason to stay hydrated!

And that’s it! These are all of the things that I do to keep from getting sick! Well – besides my typical behavior of doing as little as possible for as long as possible! Everyone is different and it’s important to pay attention to what keeps you well. Good luck!

Coaching Again

This week I will be meeting with the head coach of the Camden Hills Regional High School football team. I am volunteering to assist the team as a coach. I am extremely excited about this opportunity. My expectation coming in is to learn a lot more about how a high school program is organized. While I am definitely seeking the learning experience, it is important to remember that I will be a coach, and the kids will be seeking to learn from me.

There are some goals that I established for the time that I am helping out, including the off-season.

• Better myself at home, at work, and as a coach everyday
This is something that I’ve already implemented as a daily objective. If you’re not moving up, you’re losing (oh wait, that’s poker).

• Learn the system front and back and never stray from it

From reading books on coaching I have come to two conclusions. The first is that it is possible to win with less talent if you are fundamentally sound, prepared mentally and physically, and you work hard every day. The second is that you won’t win squat with all the talent in the world if your players and coaches don’t buy-in to the system in place (or if you don’t have a system).

• Allow each player to experience success daily

This is probably the best thing that any leader can do - and probably the most neglected approach by leaders. The players need to see that their actions can be successful, that the system can work, and that they can trust the coaches to communicate their shortcomings AND successes to them.

• Seek solutions and not excuses or rationalizations

This has always been my biggest problem in life. I don’t like to deal with problems I am not comfortable with. I tend to latch onto any rationalization and drown myself with it. In situations where I have stepped around excuses I have excelled at life. Also, I don’t want my procrastination or laziness to been seen by those I am trying to influence.

• Show patience and understanding in dealing with all others

If I had a dollar for every boss that failed to show me this, I’d have a lot more debt.

• Always anticipate a win, never accept a loss – expect more

This is nearly hand-in-hand with rationalizing, but slightly different. There is also a big difference between this thought and, say, walking off the field with :01 left in your Super Bowl loss.

…Service Specialist, Part III

Impact


They always say that the food has a large impact on the morale of the crew. Wrong. The Cooks have a large impact on the morale of the crew. This is by far the most important part of our job, and it’s the key to pleasing all the people all the time. It is also the most rewarding. By being able to shake off the stresses of the day when it matters most - when your customers are taking a break - you can have a mammoth impact on the morale of the entire unit. Mediocre food will maintain.

This is nearly impossible for some people, and I think it is why my rate is at the forefront of suicide, divorce, and alcoholism. When the complaints of others hit close to home, it’s really easy to jump in and start whining too. There’s a time for misgivings to be aired. I usually find a close friend that I can go bug in his office, when he’s trying to work. But a cook needs to stay above the fray as much as possible. Play the neutral, “I’m here to listen” role. Actually, it’s exactly like the role the bartender plays in modern day fiction. A little well timed advice here and there goes a long way.

By not jumping off of the bandwagon of hatred and discontent, a cook gives off nothing but foul mood. Foul mood begets foul mood. It’s so easy to build off of negativity. As sarcastic and quick witted as most crews are, a small flicker of grumpiness can quickly turn into a raging forest fire of disgruntlement. Crew members who came to the galley to unwind just get more wound up. Eventually this will snap back at the cook who is throwing fuel on the flames. It’s inevitable. It’s expected. It’s detrimental. Foul mood begets foul mood. Disgruntled cooks cook disgruntled food. An “I don’t care” meal is so much worse than mediocre. It’s worse than disgusting.

Energetic and optimistic. I strive for these ideals daily. The impact is felt throughout my cutter. Meeting people at the door with that attitude makes everyone circle the wagons for each other. Instead of grumpiness being met with unrelenting sarcasm, it is simply stepped around with caution. Respect flies around the room as if it actually belongs.

It’s amazing how people will jump onboard a program that seems to work. Positive moods are just as popular as the negative. It’s remarkable the reaction you get the first time you clear the plate of someone who had every intention of getting up to do it himself. The initial argument gives way to the fact that he can now sit and talk longer with his friends, or catch just a little more of The Price is Right before heading back to work, or home for the day. I always play it off that I am just trying to get the dishes done so I can scat, but that smile you get back… Or when I you bring up fried egg sandwiches to the watchstanders while your patrol boat’s on a night time SAR case. The giddiness they show when you waltz up there smelling of sausage and American cheese….

I may be slightly narcissistic, but all I really hope for in life is to have an impact of the people around me, to have them remember me when I am not around. No other job affords me the opportunity that this one does. That’s why I am a cook. That’s why Service will always be a part of my job description.

…Service Specialist, Part II

The Heart


Every boat I have ever been on – every diesel-stinking, pitching-rolling, gut-busting, rib-bruising, salt-spray-settling-in-your-razor-burn boat I have ever been on has one thing in common: The galley and mess deck are right smack in the middle. Now this may only be a Coast Guard thing, but I think they do it for a reason. The galley is the center of the heart for any unit. Everyday the mess deck becomes the escape for every single non-cook crew member. At least once a day each person may choose to walk through the line, pick up their food, sit down and eat it. Through the whole process they are getting a hugely critical release from the everyday stresses of whatever their job entails. Even if they have to take their food off the mess deck, or if they take a box lunch with them away from the unit, there is always a measure of solace in that food.

Every boat I have ever been on has something else in common. A cook reports aboard and is told the same two things by the command. They always say that the food has a large impact on the morale of the crew, and that the cooks have a thankless job. I never understood these things (and I am not sure they did, either). First of all, I am thanked numerous times a day. I am thanked so much that I get bored with my response to it. Almost without exception every single crew member will thank you at least once per meal. It is simply because they are told the same thing when they get to a unit: “No one ever thanks the cooks, so you better say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ every time. After all, we don’t want our food to taste like Scope.”

I once cooked potatoes on my first buoy tender. They were roasted red potatoes. Now potatoes were something that I always hit out of the park, and my first trip on this boat I had the crew chant Three-Cheers because I didn’t serve Golf-Ball-Chunked-Mashed-Potatoes to them (apparently this was a problem before my arrival). These red potatoes were not my ordinary potatoes. Apparently I stayed to watch the Cubs game too long and these were more the texture of red apples instead. They were rock-hard undercooked. My department head walked up, as he always did, to thank me.

“How were the potatoes sir?” like I didn’t know.

“They were great Brandon!” trying to pretend like his jaw wasn’t sore.

Now I am not trying to say that no matter how lousy the food is, the crew won’t react negatively. The same guy that lead the crew in Three-Cheers also lead them in throwing of overcooked chicken back into the galley at me once….ONCE. The fact is that there are bound to be numerous occasions when negative reactions are bountiful. That’s the chemistry that is created when you put wound up people in a place where they can unwind. Their reaction to the environment – whether it be the food, the mood, the other crewmembers, or the TV – is clearly going to be over the top at times. It’s the moments when this boisterous activity is met with bad food that people remember as the cooks “really gettin’ it”. Thankless job? Hardly. It’s just rough and tumble sometimes.

Now for the morale – and this is where my answer always lies. Why am I a cook? Why am I still a cook? Why am I a Food Service Specialist?

Everyday people break for lunch. They file through that line to unwind. On a boat they also stop by the galley door to see how the cooks are doing occasionally. It’s bound to happen; the galley’s in the center of the boat, remember? Most mess decks also, even though discouraged in regulations, act as a main passageway through the ship. What’s for lunch? What time’s lunch? What’s dessert? What’s the soup? Can I have a cookie? Can I have the cookie dough!?!?! The milk machine’s empty.

Everyday people break for lunch, but the cooks never do. They simply can’t break for lunch. Even though they may sit down to eat, they never really leave their workspace. Nor do they step away from those they work with. So no matter how their day is going, they can’t simply go off to lunch to recharge or relax.

…Service Specialist, Part I

Argumentative

One of the reasons I like sports so much is the overwhelming urge that comes over fans to discuss its happenings on an everyday basis. Yesterday part of our duty section was watching Pardon the Interruption on ESPN on the mess deck. The junior member of our group, no doubt disgusted with the argumentative nature of a subject that was pointless in her mind, asked us how we can stand to watch a show like that. The question struck me as funny because the show was covering basketball at the time, and even though I don’t ever watch basketball I was glued to the bantering.

The reason shows like PTI and Around the Horn are successful is the same reason that news shows are so successful: displaying opposing viewpoints on a topic allows people to jump on a side and feel passionate about the topic. Sports provides an even more charged atmosphere as you add in the good-guy/bad-guy mentality that naturally comes from having a favorite team or player. The innate counterpart of a favorite is something disliked or even hated. Pile on to this a rabid excitement that usually accompanies “life-long” fans and you have a recipe for great conversations into the night about SEC football vs. Big Ten football – or, Yankees: Dynasty or Best Money Can Buy – or, should Ryan Leaf have been drafted before Payton Manning. Okay maybe the last subject would never come up. You know what I am getting at.

The fact is that any amount of logical argument or debate over a subject will make the participants, at the most, more knowledgeable of the details. At the least, it makes them more aware of the topic itself. It is the same reason that 6 of my last 9 weeks of SQL and RDBM class dealt with planning and not coding. Planning also makes its contributors more intimate with details and aware of the situation.

I was asked once why I became a cook. This question comes up quite a bit, actually. The response is usually a well rehearsed “Well, I did the whole Mac & Cheese and Top Ramen thing pretty well… and I used to serve people hot chocolate in college…”. This particular time was different. This time it was with the inference that I am above this job – that I am smart enough to be anything, so why this? Let me break it down for you:

At its core, and in its generally perceived state, a Food Service Specialist has a very simple job: put out decent quality food on time, clean up, and go home. I can’t put it any more mundanely simple than that. Now let me tell you what I do.

I come in to work early – it’s not always as early as the horror stories claim either. There’s a rough sketch of a plan when I get there. A finite amount of meals need to be prepped and served before the day is up. Recipes may be needed for these meals. There is a certain amount of food that may (or may not) need to be procured. Cleaning needs to get done. Paperwork that tracks all of this will need to be updated. From the moment I wake up, and sometimes from the previous day, I am working through all of these details, trying to picture how I will pick through these various tasks. Mind you, this is not a dwelling on the details, but merely a constant ambient thought of things that must be done.

Early in my cooking days when paperwork and procurement were not a part of my daily routine, most of my planning and thought came from recipes. I have to get this item in the oven by this time, which means I need to start prepping it at this time, which means I have to stop watching the Cubs game at 3:30. My focus on planning in my recent career springs from two places. First, I have a need for survival. Once the day starts there is a pending list of quandaries that will be encountered. Whether it be from missing brown sugar, a dropped bottle of cooking wine, or 8-12 foot seas, there is always something that comes up requiring me to know what to do next. By planning ahead – or rather, by knowing the details as a result of planning ahead, I can use my built in problem-solving, crisis-management machine to work things out.

Second, somewhere along the line, (and I blame this on FS1 Faria, a handful of non-rates, and a spackling of Boatswains Mates) I developed a sense of ownership over my work. At what point this took over for my laziness as the controlling factor in my work ethic, I’m not exactly sure. The fact is, I can’t stand to have my food suck. I need to have it be great. People say you can please some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can never please all of the people all of the time. Bullshit. That’s like saying I can’t get a 100 on a medical inspection. Maybe they should reword that to be a little more half-full. You can’t please all the people all the time, but you damn sure better be trying if you’re their cook.